1. |
||||
|
How the fuck has it been 6 months already?
By the time you hear this I’ll be dead,,,,
Decisions and moments in time fragment our lives.
And we die so we can live.
It’s so pathetic that I’m using this as lyrics, because I’m too scared to call you.
I’m sorry.
I fucked up.
So did you.
But I have never been as terrified as I was that week.
And I acted like we had already broken up.
I don’t know if anything will haunt me more than that.
My decision to not hug you. I think that might be the worst moment of my life.
|
||||
2. |
||||
|
Self-improvement: we all need it.
You're looking down at me while standing on the staircase I built for you.
Bring me back.
Bring me back to where we first met.
I'm terrified of forever.
The perfect mode of transportation.
I'll get you from point A to point B alright.
A for always.
B for bored.
I have never felt so fucking empty in my life and after what you said to me last night, I don't know how I can find my way back.
Circling the drain again.
How the fuck am i supposed to believe that your love is unconditional?
How the fuck am I supposed to move on?
You’re just like they were.
When you throw it in my face at the first sight of inconvenience.
It is always the same.
I wish you never had to deal with me at all :(
|
||||
3. |
dying of old age at 29
01:27
|
|||
|
Hiking through the forest, reaching a new clearing.
Suddenly surrounded and everybody is cheering.
Kick me in the head and I fall to my knees.
Killing me and leaving me alone with the trees.
I keep having this dream where I am pissing myself. Over and over and over again.
I wake up and it’s also real.
I keep dreaming that I’m going to die.
How the fuck have I made it this far?
I get upset and I shut down.
It makes me resent myself for holding me back.
Twenty nine years into it and I’m still learning how to let go of things I was afraid of when I thought I was a man.
Wake me up.
Please wake me up.
|
||||
4. |
||||
|
I’m a fucking dreamer.
Burden.
Weight on my chest is held up by yours.
I know it’s irrational but I believe you.
I feel selfish that my brain lets me feel this way.
I don’t even know if it’s fair to blame my brain anymore.
Lonely fucking dreamer.
Burden.
I feel like a cancer and I am growing inside you.
I’m so scared. I don’t want to die.
Not without a lifetime together.
I’m sorry for letting you fall in love with me.
Dreamer.
|
||||
5. |
||||
|
Are you gonna call SXO female fronted while I still have a dick?
Hey Mrs. Blahblahblah, here’s a fake allyship article just for you!
A whole flaccid society of insecurity and indignity, compulsory heterosexuality, and performative gender.
I’m nothing but a regular cunt.
Trans existence is more hated than you can understand.
When will you comprehend?
Cis is not the only way.
My only wish is for you to not treat me like such a token freak.
|
||||
6. |
||||
7. |
my favourite season
02:16
|
|||
|
Lightning strikes the plane and the lights flicker once.
This has been a turbulent flight and we are far from home.
But throughout the instability, your breath is steady like the lead in a pencil.
You bring to life the lines in our hands.
We are all so lucky; knowing you has been a blessing.
I want so deeply to give myself to you.
I’m haunted by not living up to who I think you think I am.
I know things changed when I said what I said in the desert.
Things always change. The seasons will change.
My favourite season has always been the same.
Since you came into my life, I will always look forward to the fall.
|
||||
8. |
||||
|
Trapped; paralyzed again.
Silence screaming inside of my head.
Formless underneath a blanket.
Am I really so fucking selfish?
What cuts the deepest is everyone saying that I don’t care.
I gave it all to the good fight.
My museum of mistakes.
You’re too late, baby!
The ambulance has already left.
Thank you for everything. Goodbye my loves.
I never wanted to say these things to you.
|
||||
9. |
||||
|
It’s not enough to hold your hand, I want to crawl inside your flesh.
I need to kiss your heart. Lipstick stains and vital organs.
I’ll leave my mark on your life.
If not for love, I would not be here.
One of the lucky ones. I’m not complaining.
There’s a phrase I think about that I feel applies to the trans experience:
Within the binary obsessed system of simple choice making… Thanks for all the options.
We get to decorate the room, but the room is airtight and it’s getting hard to breath.
Planned obsolescence.
I’m so tired.
Pretending everything will be ok is becoming suffocating.
How the fuck are we supposed to survive this?
How the fuck are we supposed to live normal lives?
I’m so ashamed of myself for only contributing words.
If I’m alive when you hear this song, it means I failed and things went wrong.
If I’m dead, things went as planned.
I am truly sorry. Please understand
|
||||
10. |
||||
11. |
||||
|
Sorry sorry sorry.
Words cannot express the guilt I feel, or my love for you. Because I still want to kill myself.
“It’s ok, I don’t have a plan for action or anything”
- is what I will tell my therapist.
That is a lie. Award winning smily eyes.
I feel like not killing myself is as hard as killing myself in a fucked up way.
The scariest place is my fucked up brain.
I never thought that I could live without you.
I tried to tell you so many times.
I couldn’t share these words. ’Cause I’m a fucking coward.
This was once a love song, now it’s just a note I’ll never send.
(I am broken.)
I loved our weird fucking life and that life is now broken.
Standing so deep in the lake I just want to drown. You pulled me out alive.
Pressure to make myself small.
Dig out princess tumor with a plastic butter knife.
I couldn’t stand up. I couldn’t breathe.
I was fucking dying and you stayed and cried with me.
But this time when I cry it’s because I feel the new fucked up that will haunt my whole life.
Trying to deal with this new guilt, but every word is true. I’m saying sorry to you.
So I just want to apologize. I’m sorry.
|
||||
12. |
||||
|
I will not kill my parents’ daughter.
I will not kill my brother’s sister.
I will not kill my partners’ partner.
I will not kill the friend of my friend.
I will not kill THC’s vocalist.
I will not kill Jisei's vocalist.
I will not kill SISSY XO’s vocalist.
I will not kill myself.
xo.
|
||||
SISSY XO recommends:
BORN FROM A WISH
by ZOMBIESHARK!
The GOAT of cybergrind and a game-changing artist. Also the creator of our logo and our album art.
go to album
Honestly recommend everything on this bandcamp page, but Guilt just goes so hard in such a savage and angular way. No messing around. Also check out Youth Novel for top tier screamo.
go to album
Beautiful art made by utilizing a "no input" technique on a mixing board. This type of music reaches such a stunning level of expression. Absolutely gorgeous noise.
go to albumIf you like SISSY XO, you may also like:
BIG MONEY CYBERGRIND
by Big Money Cybergrind
supported by 18 fans who also own “PUBLIC HUMILIATION”
she cybergrind on my money till it get big
go to album
supported by 16 fans who also own “PUBLIC HUMILIATION”
Amazing album...Rest in power Dottie<3
go to album
featured on Bandcamp Radio Feb 4, 2022
go to album
